Just Dreaming
I went to bed thinking, tossing and turning, generally having trouble falling to sleep and I regained consciousness aware that I was still thinking. And in the two hours or so in between I had dreams filled with dead people.
My father was there, and an uncle, and on the TV Riddick Bowe was fighting for the heavyweight championship of boxing. I drove my father’s Army Jeep called a Kennedy, which long sat rusting away in front of our house after my father died. And I walked my ancestors’ land where there were no roads, just rice paddies, rivers, and mudbanks all covered by great coconut trees.
If I was superstitious I’d say the spirit of our elders are trying to talk to me. But I am a spiritual person and I believe the dead have problems of their own. Surely they will not be troubled my mundane affairs such as breaking up with my gf.
I am not learned in Freud’s theories about dreams and the inner consciousness but I believe dreams are our own creations. I often find the meaning in my dreams as simply stating my reality in metaphorical ways.
And what did I learn from my dream last night? That some things are no longer with us. Not dead and forgotten. Surely not forgotten. But no matter how real the dream may seem, it is still a dream. When you wake up you realize it wasn’t true.
The great paradox of dreams is that even though you’re aware of some things to be contrary to reality, while you’re dreaming you believe what you see to be absolutely true. That scenario of a person trying to pinch himself to check if it is a dream doesn’t happen in dreams. When you’re in a dream, you don’t question things, you just experience it.
And in the past my most vivid dreams often come after losing something important. Like when I lost my first celphone to a thief, I often had dreams that I still have my celphone and that it was not stolen after all. In that case my attachment to something manifested in my dreams. It’s my mind’s futile attempt to deny my loss.
No, my dream tonight was not that blatant. I didn’t dream that I still have my gf. She wasn’t even on it. Apparently my mind has learned to dream in subtler ways.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Parting Time
I know Ive been through this road before. i just never thought I will find myself on this path again. Not ever again. Not for the rest of my life.
To say I didn't expect it would be a great understatement. That same morning I told my officemate Lianes that the sweetest thing my gf ever told me is that she cant see herself being with another man, even if we broke up. Lian scoffed at that. Everyone changes, she said. Another cynic, I thought. What I didn't know was that by evening my gf would become my gf no more.
"I don't know how to say this." I should have recognized her warning, loud and clear. In the many years that we have been together she never began a statement like that. So began our break up conversation, quiet and deliberate. We were both calm and composed. There was no flare ups. No anger. It was not how i imagined our relationship would end. No, I take that back. I never imagined our relationship would end.
So there she was, my gf of more than 7 years, the most important person to me and closest to my heart, yet that night we were miles and miles away from each other as we have been for almost 3 years now. Her voice on the phone had a sound of finality. It is over. I don't have any feelings for you anymore, she said. Wala na.
It hit me like a punch in the gut, right in the solar plexus. There was no pain in the beginning but it left me breathless. After a few days the pain would grow into a dark little monster constantly gnawing at the insides of my chest. The next few nights found me restless, sleepless and confused. I got a warning from my supervisor for being late too often. How can I not be late when I would get barely 2 hours of sleep between shift? My stats are still failing. But none of that seem to matter to me now.
Lian said I should talk to her, let her know that I still love her, tell her the things that she wants to hear. Thanks, Lian, but I think its a little too late for that. Apparently, despite the kind of work we do, you cant put love on hold. Love will hang up and probably not call again.
I know I brought this upon myself. I should take it like a man and move on with my life. The only question is, how would I manage to do that? And do I really wanna walk away from this?
To say I didn't expect it would be a great understatement. That same morning I told my officemate Lianes that the sweetest thing my gf ever told me is that she cant see herself being with another man, even if we broke up. Lian scoffed at that. Everyone changes, she said. Another cynic, I thought. What I didn't know was that by evening my gf would become my gf no more.
"I don't know how to say this." I should have recognized her warning, loud and clear. In the many years that we have been together she never began a statement like that. So began our break up conversation, quiet and deliberate. We were both calm and composed. There was no flare ups. No anger. It was not how i imagined our relationship would end. No, I take that back. I never imagined our relationship would end.
So there she was, my gf of more than 7 years, the most important person to me and closest to my heart, yet that night we were miles and miles away from each other as we have been for almost 3 years now. Her voice on the phone had a sound of finality. It is over. I don't have any feelings for you anymore, she said. Wala na.
It hit me like a punch in the gut, right in the solar plexus. There was no pain in the beginning but it left me breathless. After a few days the pain would grow into a dark little monster constantly gnawing at the insides of my chest. The next few nights found me restless, sleepless and confused. I got a warning from my supervisor for being late too often. How can I not be late when I would get barely 2 hours of sleep between shift? My stats are still failing. But none of that seem to matter to me now.
Lian said I should talk to her, let her know that I still love her, tell her the things that she wants to hear. Thanks, Lian, but I think its a little too late for that. Apparently, despite the kind of work we do, you cant put love on hold. Love will hang up and probably not call again.
I know I brought this upon myself. I should take it like a man and move on with my life. The only question is, how would I manage to do that? And do I really wanna walk away from this?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Internet Wars
Its quickly becoming a pain in the neck. This business of getting online is getting more complicated than I previously expected.
I finally decided to avail of Globe's broadband package because I thought a line is better than a wireless internet service. I’ve heard enough complaints about poor internet service to try going wireless.
I rejected PLDT’s offer because at a similar price, it comes with a telephone line but with a lower speed ( 384 kbps max compared to Globe’s 1Mbps max).I don’t need landline since I already have a postpaid plan with Sun Cellular and my sim packs from Globe and Smart are often simultaneously signed up for unlimited txt or calls.
Its expensive, I know. That is the price of keeping in touch with friends who refuse to communicate unless you’re using the same network as theirs.
Earlier today I was informed by a Globe representative that a line is not viable in my location. He offered me Wi-Max instead. Apparently it is Globe’s response to Smart Bro. Another wireless internet connection.
He said it would take an extra hundred meters of wire than it previously took to install my housemate’s net service. I found that hard to believe since my housemate lives in the room next to mine.
The guy explained in jargon that they had to connect to another line further down the road since the one used previously is already full.
I feel shortchanged. And I don’t like it.
My landlady compounded the situation by telling me that if I have my own internet connection I should also have my own energy sub-meter to monitor my electricity consumption.
I have just acquired my computer recently and I am still about to buy an AVR or UPS. And CD-R King doesn’t accept credit cards. Now I also have to buy my own kuntador.
I am getting cash strapped right now.
I wonder if the lead sentence of my next blog would read: “Amidst mounting costs, Blitzking’s love affair with the internet came to a sudden and abrupt end.”
Its not even funny.
I finally decided to avail of Globe's broadband package because I thought a line is better than a wireless internet service. I’ve heard enough complaints about poor internet service to try going wireless.
I rejected PLDT’s offer because at a similar price, it comes with a telephone line but with a lower speed ( 384 kbps max compared to Globe’s 1Mbps max).I don’t need landline since I already have a postpaid plan with Sun Cellular and my sim packs from Globe and Smart are often simultaneously signed up for unlimited txt or calls.
Its expensive, I know. That is the price of keeping in touch with friends who refuse to communicate unless you’re using the same network as theirs.
Earlier today I was informed by a Globe representative that a line is not viable in my location. He offered me Wi-Max instead. Apparently it is Globe’s response to Smart Bro. Another wireless internet connection.
He said it would take an extra hundred meters of wire than it previously took to install my housemate’s net service. I found that hard to believe since my housemate lives in the room next to mine.
The guy explained in jargon that they had to connect to another line further down the road since the one used previously is already full.
I feel shortchanged. And I don’t like it.
My landlady compounded the situation by telling me that if I have my own internet connection I should also have my own energy sub-meter to monitor my electricity consumption.
I have just acquired my computer recently and I am still about to buy an AVR or UPS. And CD-R King doesn’t accept credit cards. Now I also have to buy my own kuntador.
I am getting cash strapped right now.
I wonder if the lead sentence of my next blog would read: “Amidst mounting costs, Blitzking’s love affair with the internet came to a sudden and abrupt end.”
Its not even funny.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Mine Is Not So Big but...
10.19.2009
10pm
Finally, i have my own personal computer. Its so cute. Its cpu is white with blue sidings. It is really cute ( i had to say it again. :-p)
I think Im going to call it Deep Blue- named after the IBM computer that defeated Kasparov in a chess match some time back.
My PC has an Asus cpu with Pentium 4 processor running at 2.0 Ghertz and 480 Mb of RAM. I honestly don't know what that means but it sounds so cool to say it. :-p
Seriously, if its good enough to run multiple tabs of an internet browser, windows media player, and a Java applet for playing chess, I'm fine with with it. I am not into pc gaming anyway.
The 14" crt monitor is considerably smaller than what I'm accustomed to but it will do for now.I'm planning to replace it with a Samsung LCD monitor. I already found what I want in SM. I guess i have to wait for my yearend bonus before I buy one. Maybe they will have a sale by then (I hope!).
The speakers that Jopert gave me also need replacing. CDR-King's speakers are just not up to my standards.I wouldnt enjoy listening to my favorite Eheads and Rivermaya songs with these speakers.
I cant wait to have my own internet connection. I hope i get online very very soon. Like, in the next 24 hours. I can hardly wait. There's so much downloading I want to do.
I remember when i went to Bantayan Island with my gf. I rented a motorcycle for a day. It was my first time to drive a motorcyle.My gf said I was like a boy who's got a new toy. I cant take the grin off my face. I think I am feeling like that now.
Friday, October 16, 2009
The Anxious Wait
"Dalawang tulog na lng!"
Now, if you're a normal human being with a non-call center lifestyle that means two more nights before the big day. I cannot even define what that means for me because people in my line of work dont have a regular sleeping pattern.
My friends sleep at different hours though we may have a common work schedule beginning at 3 am. Some sleep right after shift as soon as they get home. Some sleep very early in the evening. And some try to cram as much sleep as they can right before shift. That's what I do. Its common for me to sleep just a little more than 2 or 3 hours before sleep. Then Ill nap for 30-40 minutes during lunch. This routine works for me, but there are days I feel like a walking zombie ready to fall down at the slightest gust of wind.
What's really getting me all excited is that I will finally have my own computer come Monday. My friend Jopert agreed to assemble a computer for me. I'm very very anxious to see what he can come up with such a limited budget. Im already planning to get my own internet connection so that I can spend as much time online as I want and not worry about the cost. And I can do it at the comfort of my own room.
I can hardly wait.
One more shift tomorrow and I get to have one rest day.
Now, if you're a normal human being with a non-call center lifestyle that means two more nights before the big day. I cannot even define what that means for me because people in my line of work dont have a regular sleeping pattern.
My friends sleep at different hours though we may have a common work schedule beginning at 3 am. Some sleep right after shift as soon as they get home. Some sleep very early in the evening. And some try to cram as much sleep as they can right before shift. That's what I do. Its common for me to sleep just a little more than 2 or 3 hours before sleep. Then Ill nap for 30-40 minutes during lunch. This routine works for me, but there are days I feel like a walking zombie ready to fall down at the slightest gust of wind.
What's really getting me all excited is that I will finally have my own computer come Monday. My friend Jopert agreed to assemble a computer for me. I'm very very anxious to see what he can come up with such a limited budget. Im already planning to get my own internet connection so that I can spend as much time online as I want and not worry about the cost. And I can do it at the comfort of my own room.
I can hardly wait.
One more shift tomorrow and I get to have one rest day.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Forgotten
I remember when I was a young boy
Nothing really ever mattered to me
I would take each day as it came my way
You know children live for the moment
I remember the first girl I kissed
I remember when grandma insisted i came inside
When she'd say come in for the night
You know tomorrow will be another day
Do you remember when youth used to be a friend
Do you remember when comfort was
in never understanding
Comfort was in never understanding
Do you know what i mean?
Do you remember the way that it used to be?
Full of innocence, so alive, life was carefree
Tt was so good then, hangin' out with your best friend
You float wherever you wanted to
Do you remember your first true love?
Do you ever wonder if she ever
thinks of the times when you
used to walk home from school
And say tomorrow will be another day
Come along to the place we once lived
Touch the things that made us happy
Find the child that lives within
Come along
You know it's alright to go back there
Touch the things that made us happy
Look for the days that were so fair
Come along
And you know that it goes without sayin'
There's a child deep inside always playin'
There's a child always playing
-Color Me Badd..I dont know the title
Nothing really ever mattered to me
I would take each day as it came my way
You know children live for the moment
I remember the first girl I kissed
I remember when grandma insisted i came inside
When she'd say come in for the night
You know tomorrow will be another day
Do you remember when youth used to be a friend
Do you remember when comfort was
in never understanding
Comfort was in never understanding
Do you know what i mean?
Do you remember the way that it used to be?
Full of innocence, so alive, life was carefree
Tt was so good then, hangin' out with your best friend
You float wherever you wanted to
Do you remember your first true love?
Do you ever wonder if she ever
thinks of the times when you
used to walk home from school
And say tomorrow will be another day
Come along to the place we once lived
Touch the things that made us happy
Find the child that lives within
Come along
You know it's alright to go back there
Touch the things that made us happy
Look for the days that were so fair
Come along
And you know that it goes without sayin'
There's a child deep inside always playin'
There's a child always playing
-Color Me Badd..I dont know the title
Saturday, October 3, 2009
mafia wars
some events that made me rediscover the internet: i met a girl who writes for Helium.com and also blogs- she inspired me to blog too. a friend was late for 3 hours later on he discreetly told me he had to harvest his crops at 8.30 while our work starts at 6:00 - that started me in farmville. i found a group of my batch mates in high school- that started me chatting in facebook.
i find it amazing that i didn't do these things a few months ago. but then i didnt need to. now i am spending up to 5 hours a day in the various internet cafes in the neighborhood. there's even a cafe that allows smoking inside.
i have outgrown farmville. i found the motions of planting and harvesting slow and repetitive. not so in mafia wars. it is more complicated and more addictive. i found myself developing strategy in using limited resources and getting the most out of it. there's a lot of factors to consider, like health and stamina for fighting, energy for doing jobs, and influence for doing business. Also you have to choose what job to do, who to fight and choosing between aiming for more money, influence or special items that you want.
i know its cliche to say mafia wars is addicting. i even coined a word for it: "addciting" its the thrill of accumulating more money, property and power. nevermind if its imaginary. there are a lot of people online who also value these things and you can fight them all for the same. mafia wars has taken over my internet life. enough said.
i find it amazing that i didn't do these things a few months ago. but then i didnt need to. now i am spending up to 5 hours a day in the various internet cafes in the neighborhood. there's even a cafe that allows smoking inside.
i have outgrown farmville. i found the motions of planting and harvesting slow and repetitive. not so in mafia wars. it is more complicated and more addictive. i found myself developing strategy in using limited resources and getting the most out of it. there's a lot of factors to consider, like health and stamina for fighting, energy for doing jobs, and influence for doing business. Also you have to choose what job to do, who to fight and choosing between aiming for more money, influence or special items that you want.
i know its cliche to say mafia wars is addicting. i even coined a word for it: "addciting" its the thrill of accumulating more money, property and power. nevermind if its imaginary. there are a lot of people online who also value these things and you can fight them all for the same. mafia wars has taken over my internet life. enough said.
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