I know Ive been through this road before. i just never thought I will find myself on this path again. Not ever again. Not for the rest of my life.
To say I didn't expect it would be a great understatement. That same morning I told my officemate Lianes that the sweetest thing my gf ever told me is that she cant see herself being with another man, even if we broke up. Lian scoffed at that. Everyone changes, she said. Another cynic, I thought. What I didn't know was that by evening my gf would become my gf no more.
"I don't know how to say this." I should have recognized her warning, loud and clear. In the many years that we have been together she never began a statement like that. So began our break up conversation, quiet and deliberate. We were both calm and composed. There was no flare ups. No anger. It was not how i imagined our relationship would end. No, I take that back. I never imagined our relationship would end.
So there she was, my gf of more than 7 years, the most important person to me and closest to my heart, yet that night we were miles and miles away from each other as we have been for almost 3 years now. Her voice on the phone had a sound of finality. It is over. I don't have any feelings for you anymore, she said. Wala na.
It hit me like a punch in the gut, right in the solar plexus. There was no pain in the beginning but it left me breathless. After a few days the pain would grow into a dark little monster constantly gnawing at the insides of my chest. The next few nights found me restless, sleepless and confused. I got a warning from my supervisor for being late too often. How can I not be late when I would get barely 2 hours of sleep between shift? My stats are still failing. But none of that seem to matter to me now.
Lian said I should talk to her, let her know that I still love her, tell her the things that she wants to hear. Thanks, Lian, but I think its a little too late for that. Apparently, despite the kind of work we do, you cant put love on hold. Love will hang up and probably not call again.
I know I brought this upon myself. I should take it like a man and move on with my life. The only question is, how would I manage to do that? And do I really wanna walk away from this?
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shucks...just when I thought I had fixed evrything a grammy error pops up. i apologize, but copy reading is so far from may mind right now.
ReplyDeleteand a typo
ReplyDeletewow hey ... sorry about the break-up. the only thing i can say is maybe think of it as a chance to re-align things - in your life in general. it may not seem like things will get better for you, but it will. you said so yourself, you've been through this road before, you know where it ends (parang line yan sa The Matrix).
ReplyDeletewhy does lines from The Matrix keep popping up in my blogs? its one of my favorite movies, right there with Braveheart and Pulp Fiction. which show my age, really.
ReplyDeletethanks for the comment. i'm still confused.she's sending me mixed messages, you know. we fought today. a fight is better than nothing for me now. at least we still communicate. or trying to. its seems like i'm trying to do the things i should have done before. like pester her why she didnt answer my calls the whole night Saturday and partly on Sundy. and did she really go to Davao with her sister or is she with someone else.
i know it's so lame, what i am doing now. at least i am doing what i should have done already. make her feel that i still care. (talk about over-compensating) and if she really doesn't want me anymore she should tell me so, crush my heart and be done with it. at least ill get to pick up the pieces and somehow manage to find enough pride to say its her loss, not mine.
who am i kidding. of course its my loss. i really don't deserve her.i don't understand why she chose me in the first place.
no i don't wish she's with someone else already, but sometimes i wish she would tell me that so that i would know its time for me to let go. instead of saying, "i dont know, just let me be alone this time.i need to find myself."
then maybe you should leave her alone and give her time to figure things out. say what you want to say to her one time and tell her "okay i've said it, i'll give you time to think. but to be fair, don't keep it long, and be honest with me so I can move on."
ReplyDeletemy ex did this to me... giving mixed signals and stuff, and i took it as hmmm maybe he still wants me. yan ang tendency kasi sa atin, it makes us feel better a little bit if we think they still love us. and then one day he finally said ok i think it's better for me to let you go because even if i still have feelings, we both know it can't work. and right there it made me think about the "it can't work part" and made me realize hey he's right, and he's just doing me a favour by letting me go. of course may away din kami in between, even the new gf (whom he cheated with) got involved and attacked me through text hahaha how lame.
the drama. sabi nga you need to experience those to learn things, even if you learn them the hard way - those are the lessons in life that stick.
really, tapos saan din ang punta kundi sa letting go and moving on part. just wasted a lot of emotions and went through depression modes that didn't do me any good. except make me realize that above anyone else, i should take care of myself first :)
which brings me to the topic of you doing not so good at your work. i hope you're taking care of that because really, if sa break up din ang tuluyan, who else will help you but yourself :) the relationship doesn't pay the bills. i know that sounds like it's coming from a bitter/jaded person, and I'm not in love now so I can say those, but just think about it for yourself. take care of yourself.
tnx vaj. we already talked. and ive said what i need to say. that way i wouldnt not regret that i didnt fight for it. i did what i can do.
ReplyDeleteshe can no longer say i didnt do something about it. for her its a case of "not too little, but too late." she already know i still love her but she still chose to walk away. i just hope we both dont regret it in the end.
yes i am going to move on. ive shed a tear or two, at the same time laughing at myself for doing so.