11.10.09
1.30am in my room

Fixing A Broken Heart

Lately I have seriously considered quitting smoking and going to the gym again. I have noticed that I have difficulty breathing sometimes. Not the asthmatic type of breathing, but a shallow unhurried type of breathing like I am about to sleep. And I did this while I was waiting in line inside the CD-R King store in SM. The experience made we feel slightly claustrophobic. I wanted to break into a run, the kind of running that leaves you breathless and gasping for air at the end of it.

I think it is a combination of my smoking habit and the lack of physical exertion that has made my lungs weak. Our bodies adapt to the exercises we put it through to grow stronger. In my case, it seems the lack of exercise has caused my breathing muscles to deteriorate. I have no more need to breathe heavily, just enough to draw cigarette smoke, really.

These past nights though I have found myself having difficulty breathing for a totally different reason. I still find it difficult to sleep. I manage to keep my mind off my emotional troubles during the day. Mafia wars, spankwire, and chess online help me keep myself preoccupied. It is when I lay down to sleep and everything is quiet that my troubles come to hunt me. Then I feel my heavy heart pressing down on me and I cannot breathe. Sometimes it becomes unbearable that I have to get up and find something to do. Like what I am doing now.

Does coping with a failed relationship have to be this difficult? If I remember right, the stages to coping with a loss are Denial, Depression, Anger, and Acceptance. Maybe Anger comes before Depression. Who cares? What I know is that I am miserable and although it is not my nature to rant about things it seems to me that I am incapable of doing anything else right now.

Lian said I am in Denial. I told her I am accepted things as they are and I will be fine. Maybe that is also part of my denial. I can say I am not hoping that this is just temporary and that she will have a change of heart and we will be happy together again. But who am I trying to convince?

Its oddly similar to Catch 22. A crazy person doesn’t know he’s crazy, therefore he cannot claim insanity. Perhaps a person in denial doesn’t know he’s in denial.