I went jogging earlier tonight. It was something I have been thinking about doing for a long time, and although my clock said I was gone for just about half an hour, I was glad I did.
I am not a fan of prolonged jogging, or marathon-like running. I am more of a sprinter, like my Dad. I would run for around 100 to 200 meters, walk to catch my breath, start running again when I get bored, stop when I get breathless, then start walking again. This run-walk routine works for me. I always feel good afterwards. I was looking forward to a sound and restful sleep tonight.
That notion left my head as I watched the news while having my dinner. It's a shocking news that is now known as the Maguindanao Massacre. I don't know how to begin talking about. I am almost dumfounded. I spent the better part of the evening txting with my sister.
This is what I gathered. An incumbent municipal vice-mayor who is planning to run for Governor in the same province next year sent his wife, his two sisters, and a party of female supporters and some media people to file his candidacy. This decision is primarily to avoid confrontation with the rival candidate whose hometown the Governor's office is located in. According to media reports, the entire delegation was abducted by 100 armed men from the rival party, and as of news time tonight 21 bodies have been recovered. 13 females, 8 males. The death toll, already staggering, is expected to rise. Reports indicate that they were more than 40 persons abducted, including about a dozen media people.
Its a henious gruesome crime. The candidate whose wife was confirmed to be among the dead, apparently underestimated his opponent's coldbloodedness. Who would be so ruthless to kill unarmed, defenseless women? And how do you even begin to slaughter 40 innocent civilians?
I am from that place. Its just right beyond my mother's former farmland. right beyond the river that marks the boundary between the two towns. It is the place where we used to spend my summers as a child. I know the politics in the region. I know the political figures there are ruthless. Still I could hardly comprehend this madness. It is madness, senseless madness. I am enraged, disgusted, and saddened at the same time. How could they do that? How could they?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
bob ong quotes
Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
11.10.09
1.30am in my room
Fixing A Broken Heart
Lately I have seriously considered quitting smoking and going to the gym again. I have noticed that I have difficulty breathing sometimes. Not the asthmatic type of breathing, but a shallow unhurried type of breathing like I am about to sleep. And I did this while I was waiting in line inside the CD-R King store in SM. The experience made we feel slightly claustrophobic. I wanted to break into a run, the kind of running that leaves you breathless and gasping for air at the end of it.
I think it is a combination of my smoking habit and the lack of physical exertion that has made my lungs weak. Our bodies adapt to the exercises we put it through to grow stronger. In my case, it seems the lack of exercise has caused my breathing muscles to deteriorate. I have no more need to breathe heavily, just enough to draw cigarette smoke, really.
These past nights though I have found myself having difficulty breathing for a totally different reason. I still find it difficult to sleep. I manage to keep my mind off my emotional troubles during the day. Mafia wars, spankwire, and chess online help me keep myself preoccupied. It is when I lay down to sleep and everything is quiet that my troubles come to hunt me. Then I feel my heavy heart pressing down on me and I cannot breathe. Sometimes it becomes unbearable that I have to get up and find something to do. Like what I am doing now.
Does coping with a failed relationship have to be this difficult? If I remember right, the stages to coping with a loss are Denial, Depression, Anger, and Acceptance. Maybe Anger comes before Depression. Who cares? What I know is that I am miserable and although it is not my nature to rant about things it seems to me that I am incapable of doing anything else right now.
Lian said I am in Denial. I told her I am accepted things as they are and I will be fine. Maybe that is also part of my denial. I can say I am not hoping that this is just temporary and that she will have a change of heart and we will be happy together again. But who am I trying to convince?
Its oddly similar to Catch 22. A crazy person doesn’t know he’s crazy, therefore he cannot claim insanity. Perhaps a person in denial doesn’t know he’s in denial.
1.30am in my room
Fixing A Broken Heart
Lately I have seriously considered quitting smoking and going to the gym again. I have noticed that I have difficulty breathing sometimes. Not the asthmatic type of breathing, but a shallow unhurried type of breathing like I am about to sleep. And I did this while I was waiting in line inside the CD-R King store in SM. The experience made we feel slightly claustrophobic. I wanted to break into a run, the kind of running that leaves you breathless and gasping for air at the end of it.
I think it is a combination of my smoking habit and the lack of physical exertion that has made my lungs weak. Our bodies adapt to the exercises we put it through to grow stronger. In my case, it seems the lack of exercise has caused my breathing muscles to deteriorate. I have no more need to breathe heavily, just enough to draw cigarette smoke, really.
These past nights though I have found myself having difficulty breathing for a totally different reason. I still find it difficult to sleep. I manage to keep my mind off my emotional troubles during the day. Mafia wars, spankwire, and chess online help me keep myself preoccupied. It is when I lay down to sleep and everything is quiet that my troubles come to hunt me. Then I feel my heavy heart pressing down on me and I cannot breathe. Sometimes it becomes unbearable that I have to get up and find something to do. Like what I am doing now.
Does coping with a failed relationship have to be this difficult? If I remember right, the stages to coping with a loss are Denial, Depression, Anger, and Acceptance. Maybe Anger comes before Depression. Who cares? What I know is that I am miserable and although it is not my nature to rant about things it seems to me that I am incapable of doing anything else right now.
Lian said I am in Denial. I told her I am accepted things as they are and I will be fine. Maybe that is also part of my denial. I can say I am not hoping that this is just temporary and that she will have a change of heart and we will be happy together again. But who am I trying to convince?
Its oddly similar to Catch 22. A crazy person doesn’t know he’s crazy, therefore he cannot claim insanity. Perhaps a person in denial doesn’t know he’s in denial.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Just Dreaming
I went to bed thinking, tossing and turning, generally having trouble falling to sleep and I regained consciousness aware that I was still thinking. And in the two hours or so in between I had dreams filled with dead people.
My father was there, and an uncle, and on the TV Riddick Bowe was fighting for the heavyweight championship of boxing. I drove my father’s Army Jeep called a Kennedy, which long sat rusting away in front of our house after my father died. And I walked my ancestors’ land where there were no roads, just rice paddies, rivers, and mudbanks all covered by great coconut trees.
If I was superstitious I’d say the spirit of our elders are trying to talk to me. But I am a spiritual person and I believe the dead have problems of their own. Surely they will not be troubled my mundane affairs such as breaking up with my gf.
I am not learned in Freud’s theories about dreams and the inner consciousness but I believe dreams are our own creations. I often find the meaning in my dreams as simply stating my reality in metaphorical ways.
And what did I learn from my dream last night? That some things are no longer with us. Not dead and forgotten. Surely not forgotten. But no matter how real the dream may seem, it is still a dream. When you wake up you realize it wasn’t true.
The great paradox of dreams is that even though you’re aware of some things to be contrary to reality, while you’re dreaming you believe what you see to be absolutely true. That scenario of a person trying to pinch himself to check if it is a dream doesn’t happen in dreams. When you’re in a dream, you don’t question things, you just experience it.
And in the past my most vivid dreams often come after losing something important. Like when I lost my first celphone to a thief, I often had dreams that I still have my celphone and that it was not stolen after all. In that case my attachment to something manifested in my dreams. It’s my mind’s futile attempt to deny my loss.
No, my dream tonight was not that blatant. I didn’t dream that I still have my gf. She wasn’t even on it. Apparently my mind has learned to dream in subtler ways.
I went to bed thinking, tossing and turning, generally having trouble falling to sleep and I regained consciousness aware that I was still thinking. And in the two hours or so in between I had dreams filled with dead people.
My father was there, and an uncle, and on the TV Riddick Bowe was fighting for the heavyweight championship of boxing. I drove my father’s Army Jeep called a Kennedy, which long sat rusting away in front of our house after my father died. And I walked my ancestors’ land where there were no roads, just rice paddies, rivers, and mudbanks all covered by great coconut trees.
If I was superstitious I’d say the spirit of our elders are trying to talk to me. But I am a spiritual person and I believe the dead have problems of their own. Surely they will not be troubled my mundane affairs such as breaking up with my gf.
I am not learned in Freud’s theories about dreams and the inner consciousness but I believe dreams are our own creations. I often find the meaning in my dreams as simply stating my reality in metaphorical ways.
And what did I learn from my dream last night? That some things are no longer with us. Not dead and forgotten. Surely not forgotten. But no matter how real the dream may seem, it is still a dream. When you wake up you realize it wasn’t true.
The great paradox of dreams is that even though you’re aware of some things to be contrary to reality, while you’re dreaming you believe what you see to be absolutely true. That scenario of a person trying to pinch himself to check if it is a dream doesn’t happen in dreams. When you’re in a dream, you don’t question things, you just experience it.
And in the past my most vivid dreams often come after losing something important. Like when I lost my first celphone to a thief, I often had dreams that I still have my celphone and that it was not stolen after all. In that case my attachment to something manifested in my dreams. It’s my mind’s futile attempt to deny my loss.
No, my dream tonight was not that blatant. I didn’t dream that I still have my gf. She wasn’t even on it. Apparently my mind has learned to dream in subtler ways.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Parting Time
I know Ive been through this road before. i just never thought I will find myself on this path again. Not ever again. Not for the rest of my life.
To say I didn't expect it would be a great understatement. That same morning I told my officemate Lianes that the sweetest thing my gf ever told me is that she cant see herself being with another man, even if we broke up. Lian scoffed at that. Everyone changes, she said. Another cynic, I thought. What I didn't know was that by evening my gf would become my gf no more.
"I don't know how to say this." I should have recognized her warning, loud and clear. In the many years that we have been together she never began a statement like that. So began our break up conversation, quiet and deliberate. We were both calm and composed. There was no flare ups. No anger. It was not how i imagined our relationship would end. No, I take that back. I never imagined our relationship would end.
So there she was, my gf of more than 7 years, the most important person to me and closest to my heart, yet that night we were miles and miles away from each other as we have been for almost 3 years now. Her voice on the phone had a sound of finality. It is over. I don't have any feelings for you anymore, she said. Wala na.
It hit me like a punch in the gut, right in the solar plexus. There was no pain in the beginning but it left me breathless. After a few days the pain would grow into a dark little monster constantly gnawing at the insides of my chest. The next few nights found me restless, sleepless and confused. I got a warning from my supervisor for being late too often. How can I not be late when I would get barely 2 hours of sleep between shift? My stats are still failing. But none of that seem to matter to me now.
Lian said I should talk to her, let her know that I still love her, tell her the things that she wants to hear. Thanks, Lian, but I think its a little too late for that. Apparently, despite the kind of work we do, you cant put love on hold. Love will hang up and probably not call again.
I know I brought this upon myself. I should take it like a man and move on with my life. The only question is, how would I manage to do that? And do I really wanna walk away from this?
To say I didn't expect it would be a great understatement. That same morning I told my officemate Lianes that the sweetest thing my gf ever told me is that she cant see herself being with another man, even if we broke up. Lian scoffed at that. Everyone changes, she said. Another cynic, I thought. What I didn't know was that by evening my gf would become my gf no more.
"I don't know how to say this." I should have recognized her warning, loud and clear. In the many years that we have been together she never began a statement like that. So began our break up conversation, quiet and deliberate. We were both calm and composed. There was no flare ups. No anger. It was not how i imagined our relationship would end. No, I take that back. I never imagined our relationship would end.
So there she was, my gf of more than 7 years, the most important person to me and closest to my heart, yet that night we were miles and miles away from each other as we have been for almost 3 years now. Her voice on the phone had a sound of finality. It is over. I don't have any feelings for you anymore, she said. Wala na.
It hit me like a punch in the gut, right in the solar plexus. There was no pain in the beginning but it left me breathless. After a few days the pain would grow into a dark little monster constantly gnawing at the insides of my chest. The next few nights found me restless, sleepless and confused. I got a warning from my supervisor for being late too often. How can I not be late when I would get barely 2 hours of sleep between shift? My stats are still failing. But none of that seem to matter to me now.
Lian said I should talk to her, let her know that I still love her, tell her the things that she wants to hear. Thanks, Lian, but I think its a little too late for that. Apparently, despite the kind of work we do, you cant put love on hold. Love will hang up and probably not call again.
I know I brought this upon myself. I should take it like a man and move on with my life. The only question is, how would I manage to do that? And do I really wanna walk away from this?
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