Clicked "older posts" on my FB wall over and over again. There were some inspired musings I wanted to revisit and I wanted to see how far back I can go before I encountered a technical problem. I was actually able to see my posts from a year ago. I am amazed at how much I wasted my time on useless pasttimes. My wall was littered with mafia wars postings. Then I deleted the posts and other unimportant comments.
I wished I could just as easily go back in time about a year ago and change the things I did. I see things differently now and I regret my foolishness. I imagined my life would have been very different right now and that I would be a happier person. That is impossible, of course, and the notion goes against my fundamental religious beliefs. Whatever happened was God’s will and can never happen any other way.
There is a lesson in this, though. A lesson worth repeating again and again: Don’t do things that you might need to undo later on. And as Miyamoto Mushashi said: Don’t spend your time on useless things.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Single Step Towards Goodness
“When in Rome do what the Romans do,” my friends Mike and Omar used to say, over bottles of beer, those times when they were still with the company. I didn’t agree with that saying, coz I don't think being away from home or in a strange place is a reason for someone to forget his beliefs and shun his cultural identity, and my usual retort to them would be: “You can take the boy out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of the boy,” and my friends would quickly crack a joke about me being a “jungle boy” or Tarzan and the like. We would laugh and leave the discussion at that.
I have to agree though, that our environment and the company we keep affect our actions. As I heard someone put it eloquently, “You can't jump into the ocean and expect not to get wet.” And last time I was home I asked someone close to me if she thought I would be able to completely quit my vices and live my life according to our religion. She said, “here, maybe- in Cebu, I don’t think so.”
That reminded me of a story I heard so many times I don’t even remember when I first heard it. There was a man who killed so many men and wanted to change his ways and live a life of virtue. I think he killed 99 men or maybe a hundred, but I am no longer sure, the story is a blur to me now. I do know that he approached a holy man or a preacher and asked if he can still change his ways and how to do so. The preacher told him he is a hopeless case and that he will never be able to mend his ways. In his anger or frustration he killed the preacher and that became his 100th victim or so.
He was still determined to repent so he approached another preacher. This time the wise man told him there is still hope for him, but he needs to leave that place and travel to a place faraway, possibly another city where people lived a different way of life, and nobody knows him. It would be easier to start a new life, different from the life that he would leave behind. (This part of the story reminds me of Battousai the slasher and how his reputation as a killer tends to catch up with him and he is forced to fight or kill again)
The man did follow the preacher and he set out to travel to that faraway place. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to reach the city. Halfway on his journey the man died and soon the angels who took souls to heaven and the angels who delivered souls to hell met at the spot where the man died. Some of the angels argued that the man died with repentance in his heart and he should go to heaven, while some argued that he wasn’t able to complete the journey and live a good life as opposed to living many years of sin, so he should go to hell. They settled the argument by counting the steps the man took to travel, and it was found out that he was one step closer to the city he was going to, than the city he left behind. By virtue of a single step the man’s soul was saved and he was taken to heaven.
This story puzzled me for a while. The story is very familiar to me but I never took time to ponder on it, until recently. Religion teaches us that a man’s action is judged according to his intentions. Therefore a small act of kindness if done with sincerity is so much better than a great act, if there is no sincerity or if done for the wrong reasons. With this is mind I thought if the man died with a sincere intention to repent, then he would have been forgiven and gone to heaven, and the whole act of counting his steps is moot and academic. What then, is the lesson in this story?
Then again, who can say who should God forgive? Nobody can question Him. God is all-knowing while man’s understanding is very limited. I can’t rely on my own abilities to understand. Maybe I should not delve so much deeper into the story when the lesson is clear in the open: A single step taken towards goodness should not be disregarded because who knows; in the end a single step can make the difference.
Maybe that story is a story of hope. We shouldn’t judge anybody as hopeless because that person may change before he dies. Definitely puts a new meaning to the saying “Hanggat may buhay may pag-asa” and “Ang masamang damo matagal mamatay.” Maybe God lets some people live long lives so that they will have more chances of repenting.
The story also shows that we can’t just rely on intention, we should make good our intention to change and act on it, like that man leaving behind his old life and strive towards living the rest of his life in the way of God. The man didn’t reach that city, but he did spend the rest of his life going towards the city, didn’t he?
Maybe that’s the important thing, making that decision in our hearts and then actually working on it for the rest of our lives. Otherwise we would only be fooling ourselves if we make that intention everyday but not act on it. We can go to bed everyday repeating that intention until death overtakes us and we don’t wake up anymore.
I am feeling hopeful. If a person who killed a hundred men can change, why not someone like me? I think "masamang damo" would be too harsh to describe me, and I hope I don't die soon. HOpefully not before I make the change and undertake my own journey. And may God have mercy on me.
I have to agree though, that our environment and the company we keep affect our actions. As I heard someone put it eloquently, “You can't jump into the ocean and expect not to get wet.” And last time I was home I asked someone close to me if she thought I would be able to completely quit my vices and live my life according to our religion. She said, “here, maybe- in Cebu, I don’t think so.”
That reminded me of a story I heard so many times I don’t even remember when I first heard it. There was a man who killed so many men and wanted to change his ways and live a life of virtue. I think he killed 99 men or maybe a hundred, but I am no longer sure, the story is a blur to me now. I do know that he approached a holy man or a preacher and asked if he can still change his ways and how to do so. The preacher told him he is a hopeless case and that he will never be able to mend his ways. In his anger or frustration he killed the preacher and that became his 100th victim or so.
He was still determined to repent so he approached another preacher. This time the wise man told him there is still hope for him, but he needs to leave that place and travel to a place faraway, possibly another city where people lived a different way of life, and nobody knows him. It would be easier to start a new life, different from the life that he would leave behind. (This part of the story reminds me of Battousai the slasher and how his reputation as a killer tends to catch up with him and he is forced to fight or kill again)
The man did follow the preacher and he set out to travel to that faraway place. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to reach the city. Halfway on his journey the man died and soon the angels who took souls to heaven and the angels who delivered souls to hell met at the spot where the man died. Some of the angels argued that the man died with repentance in his heart and he should go to heaven, while some argued that he wasn’t able to complete the journey and live a good life as opposed to living many years of sin, so he should go to hell. They settled the argument by counting the steps the man took to travel, and it was found out that he was one step closer to the city he was going to, than the city he left behind. By virtue of a single step the man’s soul was saved and he was taken to heaven.
This story puzzled me for a while. The story is very familiar to me but I never took time to ponder on it, until recently. Religion teaches us that a man’s action is judged according to his intentions. Therefore a small act of kindness if done with sincerity is so much better than a great act, if there is no sincerity or if done for the wrong reasons. With this is mind I thought if the man died with a sincere intention to repent, then he would have been forgiven and gone to heaven, and the whole act of counting his steps is moot and academic. What then, is the lesson in this story?
Then again, who can say who should God forgive? Nobody can question Him. God is all-knowing while man’s understanding is very limited. I can’t rely on my own abilities to understand. Maybe I should not delve so much deeper into the story when the lesson is clear in the open: A single step taken towards goodness should not be disregarded because who knows; in the end a single step can make the difference.
Maybe that story is a story of hope. We shouldn’t judge anybody as hopeless because that person may change before he dies. Definitely puts a new meaning to the saying “Hanggat may buhay may pag-asa” and “Ang masamang damo matagal mamatay.” Maybe God lets some people live long lives so that they will have more chances of repenting.
The story also shows that we can’t just rely on intention, we should make good our intention to change and act on it, like that man leaving behind his old life and strive towards living the rest of his life in the way of God. The man didn’t reach that city, but he did spend the rest of his life going towards the city, didn’t he?
Maybe that’s the important thing, making that decision in our hearts and then actually working on it for the rest of our lives. Otherwise we would only be fooling ourselves if we make that intention everyday but not act on it. We can go to bed everyday repeating that intention until death overtakes us and we don’t wake up anymore.
I am feeling hopeful. If a person who killed a hundred men can change, why not someone like me? I think "masamang damo" would be too harsh to describe me, and I hope I don't die soon. HOpefully not before I make the change and undertake my own journey. And may God have mercy on me.
Monday, August 23, 2010
It was my lunch break, and I was on the phone with a female friend turned policewoman while the hostage drama was reaching conclusion. She asked me if I'm watching the news, I said no. "Why not?" she asked. I told her it doesnt matter how that started, its going to end in 2 ways only. Either he surrenders, or he gets killed. I've been around armed men enough to know how it was going to end. With dead people."PC yan,hindi pahuhuli ng buhay" she said. Then later, "wala na. patay na xa..."
I said goodbye and went back to the office to take my nap. I didn't want to waste my time to discuss the subject. I wish he surrendered, though. Or at least hurt no one else but himself, especially not the hostages. He got the attention he wanted, didn't he? What's the point of portraying yourself the victim if you're gonna turn other people into your victims? Those people had nothing to do with whatever the hell the point he was trying to make.
If he really wanted to die in a blaze glory, he should have walked out of the bus and started shooting in the air. That would surely make all those armed shoot him full of lead. That's what I am going to do in his place, if i was too stubborn and too stupid to surrender and I really wanted to die. I will not even shoot back at the assault team. Killing any one of them will not make any difference. They're just following orders. Like those hostages, they too have families that they support, people who love them. Like those hostages, killing anyone of them is just nonsense.
I said goodbye and went back to the office to take my nap. I didn't want to waste my time to discuss the subject. I wish he surrendered, though. Or at least hurt no one else but himself, especially not the hostages. He got the attention he wanted, didn't he? What's the point of portraying yourself the victim if you're gonna turn other people into your victims? Those people had nothing to do with whatever the hell the point he was trying to make.
If he really wanted to die in a blaze glory, he should have walked out of the bus and started shooting in the air. That would surely make all those armed shoot him full of lead. That's what I am going to do in his place, if i was too stubborn and too stupid to surrender and I really wanted to die. I will not even shoot back at the assault team. Killing any one of them will not make any difference. They're just following orders. Like those hostages, they too have families that they support, people who love them. Like those hostages, killing anyone of them is just nonsense.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Feeling Like A Flower
There was once a flower who grew in a garden owned by a beautiful maiden. The garden was on fertile ground, and had abundant rain and sunlight all year long and the plants there grew healthy and were always in bloom.
One day the beautiful maiden choose to pick the flower and display it in a vase inside her house for her friends and visitors to see. Her friends admired the flower for its beauty and the flower felt happy and proud in its new environment. The flower didnt realize that being uprooted meant death, and soon it withered and dried. No sooner that this happened that the girl threw the dried flower out her window where it lay crushed under the feet of those passing by.
Sometimes I feel like that flower. I used to think life is so much better here in Cebu. I appreciated the higher pay and the many places to see and things to do. I got caught up in the hustle-bustle of it all that I have forgotten my roots. I engaged in vices like gambling that soon I lost so much, including the love of my life.
NOw I wish I could bring back time and do things differently. Sadly, that's impossible. And now I just have to deal with the fact that some things can't be brought back from the dead. Fortunately, unlike that flower cut from its roots, i still have my own two feet and I can still stand up and find my way home. And what a long journey it is going to be.
One day the beautiful maiden choose to pick the flower and display it in a vase inside her house for her friends and visitors to see. Her friends admired the flower for its beauty and the flower felt happy and proud in its new environment. The flower didnt realize that being uprooted meant death, and soon it withered and dried. No sooner that this happened that the girl threw the dried flower out her window where it lay crushed under the feet of those passing by.
Sometimes I feel like that flower. I used to think life is so much better here in Cebu. I appreciated the higher pay and the many places to see and things to do. I got caught up in the hustle-bustle of it all that I have forgotten my roots. I engaged in vices like gambling that soon I lost so much, including the love of my life.
NOw I wish I could bring back time and do things differently. Sadly, that's impossible. And now I just have to deal with the fact that some things can't be brought back from the dead. Fortunately, unlike that flower cut from its roots, i still have my own two feet and I can still stand up and find my way home. And what a long journey it is going to be.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Deleted my ex's pics from facebook yesterday. i intended to do that for a long time. it wasn't easy. those pics are the only remaining evidence of our happy times together.
for a few months now i have been hopeful that this is just a phase we're going through. that everything will settle down and we will be as we were. together again. now part of me is saying that it is really over and its time to move on. i am not saying i am ready to move on, but i am looking in that direction.and its sad.
for a few months now i have been hopeful that this is just a phase we're going through. that everything will settle down and we will be as we were. together again. now part of me is saying that it is really over and its time to move on. i am not saying i am ready to move on, but i am looking in that direction.and its sad.
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