Sunday, March 4, 2012
ONe Rainy Evening
Sometimes when it rains like this, and i have spent a long time browsing the internet that i forget the time of the day, i lost myself in the moment. The sound that the falling rain makes on the rooftops sound the same when im at home in Cotabato City. I almost imagine that if i turn around i will see the huge window in our house that opens to the street, and I'll see people either braving the rain under their umbrellas or riding "traysikad" with white strips of plastic covering the passenger's seat flapping in the wind as they passed by. I will see familiar faces of neighbors and friends i grew up, maybe engage in small talk as they stop and shelter themselves in front of our house and wait for the rain to stop. Then i remember im not home. I'm miles and miles away. And if i turned around i will see nothing but a mirror on the wall and a door that opens to a narrow hall of tiny rooms, the exit of our boarding house and into the concrete jungle that is Cebu.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The first time i attempted long distance running, i was 6 years old. I had no training, no shoes, and no choice. I was left alone at the beach, around 10miles outside Cotabato City.
Its hard to understand how i could have been left at the beach. We brought two vehicles that day. My dad, mom, me and sisters rode on the first vehicle. My elder brother, cousins, relatives and neighbors ( i think!) rode on the 2nd. it was a long way to the beach. it took more than an hour from the highway to a desolate beach called Kusiong. Back in those days the long and dusty road to the beach wasn’t considered safe. There are threats of bandits and if your car broke down you might have to wait a very long time before any vehicle passed you by. Only on New Year's day did Cotabatenos troop to the beach in huge numbers. It was like a tradition for us.
That afternoon, shortly before we were supposed to leave, i was looking for my change of clothes in the first vehicle. i was told they were in the second vehicle, so i went to get them. My parents then left after that, probably thinking i would go with my cousins in the 2nd vehicle.
Those left behind, seeing i wasn’t there, thought I went home with my parents. So they also left without me. Everybody was busy packing things up that no one saw me slip away. No one came looking for me, or if someone did, couldn’t find me. And there were no celphones back then, no way to call my parents. Only when they all got home that they realized i was missing.
i was in one of the makeshift "changing rooms" at the beach. I probably didnt have to wait in line just to be able to use one of the rooms, i was 6 years old. But that was what i saw the grown-ups were doing, so i thought i should do the same.
when i went back to the place where we camped, everyone was gone. I was in disbelief at first, thinking maybe they just went further ahead and were waiting there for me. So i went to the general direction where we have come from when going to the beach. It didnt take me long to realize that they really were all gone home, leaving me behind. And just like that, i started running.
Looking back like that, i realize now, i was a gutsy little child. I remember the look of the wide dirt road in front of me and I knew that it took us an awfully long time to get there but i wasnt worried about the distance. It was beyond my capacity to understand that i had no hope of getting home that way. All i knew, is that i wanted to go home and running was the fastest (the only) way to get there. My only worry was not getting home before dark. The idea of being out there at night, on the road with all the trees and the forest and all the scary things in them- away from home, away from anyone i knew- that really scared me. I remember crying, but i ran on while i cried.
scared as i was, it must have been more terrifying for my parents. my mom would have been in tears, but my dad? i dont remember my father of being scared of anything, ever. that was the kind of man he was, his face showed only either happiness and laughter or anger and disapproval. but at that time, he must have been scared- what parent wouldnt be? i think it was my uncle who said my dad drove that jeep back to the beach so fast it almost flew.
it must have been terrible for my dad. i cant imagine how heavy it must have felt when he didnt find me, driving home and thinking of ways how to tell my mom. it was night when he got home. he must have been surprised and overjoyed to find me there. i actually arrived home not long after he left.
i don’t remember how far i ran, probably not much. a family going home from the beach stopped by to pick me up. the sight of a very small boy running on the middle of a road would have been hard to miss. They asked who i was, where i lived, etc.. and i answered them straight forwardly. and i knew how to give directions."just drive straight to downtown, ill tell you when to turn right!" (the Petron gas station on the corner of our street is easy to find, it’s the only gas station on the side of the road) they would remark to my mom how quick i was in answering all their questions and how i seemed comfortable in the company of strangers. i was a talkative child even back then. almost 30 years later, i haven’t changed much. i still talk much, and i still talk to strangers. =)
looking back, i cant help but think...it could have easily gone bad for me. i guess i was just very lucky.
Its hard to understand how i could have been left at the beach. We brought two vehicles that day. My dad, mom, me and sisters rode on the first vehicle. My elder brother, cousins, relatives and neighbors ( i think!) rode on the 2nd. it was a long way to the beach. it took more than an hour from the highway to a desolate beach called Kusiong. Back in those days the long and dusty road to the beach wasn’t considered safe. There are threats of bandits and if your car broke down you might have to wait a very long time before any vehicle passed you by. Only on New Year's day did Cotabatenos troop to the beach in huge numbers. It was like a tradition for us.
That afternoon, shortly before we were supposed to leave, i was looking for my change of clothes in the first vehicle. i was told they were in the second vehicle, so i went to get them. My parents then left after that, probably thinking i would go with my cousins in the 2nd vehicle.
Those left behind, seeing i wasn’t there, thought I went home with my parents. So they also left without me. Everybody was busy packing things up that no one saw me slip away. No one came looking for me, or if someone did, couldn’t find me. And there were no celphones back then, no way to call my parents. Only when they all got home that they realized i was missing.
i was in one of the makeshift "changing rooms" at the beach. I probably didnt have to wait in line just to be able to use one of the rooms, i was 6 years old. But that was what i saw the grown-ups were doing, so i thought i should do the same.
when i went back to the place where we camped, everyone was gone. I was in disbelief at first, thinking maybe they just went further ahead and were waiting there for me. So i went to the general direction where we have come from when going to the beach. It didnt take me long to realize that they really were all gone home, leaving me behind. And just like that, i started running.
Looking back like that, i realize now, i was a gutsy little child. I remember the look of the wide dirt road in front of me and I knew that it took us an awfully long time to get there but i wasnt worried about the distance. It was beyond my capacity to understand that i had no hope of getting home that way. All i knew, is that i wanted to go home and running was the fastest (the only) way to get there. My only worry was not getting home before dark. The idea of being out there at night, on the road with all the trees and the forest and all the scary things in them- away from home, away from anyone i knew- that really scared me. I remember crying, but i ran on while i cried.
scared as i was, it must have been more terrifying for my parents. my mom would have been in tears, but my dad? i dont remember my father of being scared of anything, ever. that was the kind of man he was, his face showed only either happiness and laughter or anger and disapproval. but at that time, he must have been scared- what parent wouldnt be? i think it was my uncle who said my dad drove that jeep back to the beach so fast it almost flew.
it must have been terrible for my dad. i cant imagine how heavy it must have felt when he didnt find me, driving home and thinking of ways how to tell my mom. it was night when he got home. he must have been surprised and overjoyed to find me there. i actually arrived home not long after he left.
i don’t remember how far i ran, probably not much. a family going home from the beach stopped by to pick me up. the sight of a very small boy running on the middle of a road would have been hard to miss. They asked who i was, where i lived, etc.. and i answered them straight forwardly. and i knew how to give directions."just drive straight to downtown, ill tell you when to turn right!" (the Petron gas station on the corner of our street is easy to find, it’s the only gas station on the side of the road) they would remark to my mom how quick i was in answering all their questions and how i seemed comfortable in the company of strangers. i was a talkative child even back then. almost 30 years later, i haven’t changed much. i still talk much, and i still talk to strangers. =)
looking back, i cant help but think...it could have easily gone bad for me. i guess i was just very lucky.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Confused
The Year in Status was one of the FB apps that I really liked. It summarized in 40 pictures all my status messages for 2010. Reading through it I realized what an amazing emotional journey it has been for me. Consider this:
No matter how many times I messed up my life, you stayed by my side. Your presence is my affirmation that I must be doing something right. Now that you're gone i feel lost, like a ship being tossed in the sea, without direction or destination. I don't know when will my wandering end. They say home is where the heart is. Now i just feel homeless. (March 26, 2010)
And this:
I promised myself to live one day at a time but its not easy doing so with a heavy heart. It is when all is quiet and I’m doing nothing and I actually feel time passing that is the hardest. It's like losing tiny pieces of me and they're gone forever. (April 12,2010)
And also:
Don't get me wrong, I’m usually a cheerful person, but there are times when I wish I’d disappear and the world will forget me in an instant. At best, that's like Richard Gere playing a manic-depressive patient in Mr. Jones. At worst, that's like Kurt Cobain blowing his head off with a shotgun. ( May 26, 2010)
I don’t remember if I really felt that depressed, or if I was simply observing how my emotions swing from being positively exuberant to being melancholic. That felt like a long time ago, I don’t remember now how long ago since I felt so bad to post anything like that. I can't see myself feeling like that again in the future.
For me it started with the statement: "Your past doesn’t equal your future." (FB status.11/07/10) That is of course from Anthony Robbins . I purchased his Personal Power Seminar cd by accident when I bought a dvd that didn’t work, and I cant find anything else interesting. His ideas helped me turn my life around.
So what did I learn from him? For one thing, happiness is a choice. Our quality of life depends for most part on our ability to maintain a positive emotional state. This state is affected by how we think and how we use our body. For example, if you sit or stand like you would if you are absolutely happy, and talk loudly and excitedly and put a large smile in your face like you normally would if you are feeling great and have some exciting news that you can't wait to tell a friend-- if you act like that, it would be difficult to stay depressed for long.
In fact, it takes more effort to stay depressed. You have to slouch and look downcast all the time, you have to speak in a depressing tone, and think about negative things and keep on feeling sorry for yourself, and not breath well, and look disinterested in everything that's going on…the list goes on. And you have to all these to "stay depressed." It takes so much effort that thinking about it makes me feel exhausted already. Fortunately I don’t have to do that anymore. :-)
It’s so much easier to feel good and think happy thoughts all the time. Remember Peter Pan?
Robbins has this exercise: Make a list of the positive emotional states that you regularly feel in a week, and then figure out what you did to get to that state. Mine were: ( hmmm. let me think for a minute, i forgot. ) Feeling happy, energetic, confident, sexy or desirable, and feeling loved. The things that lead to these were: talking and laughing with friends, sleeping and resting enough, maybe exercising, dressing up in nice clothes, and talking to someone who makes me feel loved or wanted. Hmmm. Does that make sense?
The negative states I used to feel were feeling rejected, unloved, undesirable, unhappy and low in energy. The things I did that lead me to these negative feelings were: not sleeping enough, and talking with my ex. I always end up feeling dejected every time we talk coz she always make me feel unloved and unwanted, but i do it anyway. I know, it doesn’t make sense!
That is past now. Nowadays I just do the things that make me feel positive, and avoid the opposite. Makes more sense.
( Sometimes I still stay up late and not get enough sleep, but hey, gimme a break.)
There was a time when I felt depressed every time i don't get what I wanted. I realize I am not the same person now. The way I define success and failure have radically changed. For Robbins, if he learned something out of everything that he does, then he considers the activity a success. He will consider that he failed if he didn’t learn anything at all.
I think I agree with him on this one. Going through the screening process for new supervisors definitely taught me a lot. It learned new things about the workplace and also got to know myself better. Bruce Lee once said. "All knowledge, ultimately, is self-knowledge" or something like that. We all learn from our own experience.
Two weekends ago I was in Quezon City to meet a girl that I have known for a few years now. She's always been there for me whenever I felt down, and she always made me feel loved. She has since decided to cut off our communication and "end this pseudo-relationship" since I am someone who is "stuck in the past" and "who can't love." ( her exact words) I should be feeling devastated now, but I'm not. I have been through that part of my life. I will not hurt anymore. And what can I do if I am not ready to love again? Do I really want to be in a relationship right now? I don't know.
Am I confused? I don't know what I really want right now. Maybe that's not so bad. " No want, no mind.". FB status, 02/17/2011
No matter how many times I messed up my life, you stayed by my side. Your presence is my affirmation that I must be doing something right. Now that you're gone i feel lost, like a ship being tossed in the sea, without direction or destination. I don't know when will my wandering end. They say home is where the heart is. Now i just feel homeless. (March 26, 2010)
And this:
I promised myself to live one day at a time but its not easy doing so with a heavy heart. It is when all is quiet and I’m doing nothing and I actually feel time passing that is the hardest. It's like losing tiny pieces of me and they're gone forever. (April 12,2010)
And also:
Don't get me wrong, I’m usually a cheerful person, but there are times when I wish I’d disappear and the world will forget me in an instant. At best, that's like Richard Gere playing a manic-depressive patient in Mr. Jones. At worst, that's like Kurt Cobain blowing his head off with a shotgun. ( May 26, 2010)
I don’t remember if I really felt that depressed, or if I was simply observing how my emotions swing from being positively exuberant to being melancholic. That felt like a long time ago, I don’t remember now how long ago since I felt so bad to post anything like that. I can't see myself feeling like that again in the future.
For me it started with the statement: "Your past doesn’t equal your future." (FB status.11/07/10) That is of course from Anthony Robbins . I purchased his Personal Power Seminar cd by accident when I bought a dvd that didn’t work, and I cant find anything else interesting. His ideas helped me turn my life around.
So what did I learn from him? For one thing, happiness is a choice. Our quality of life depends for most part on our ability to maintain a positive emotional state. This state is affected by how we think and how we use our body. For example, if you sit or stand like you would if you are absolutely happy, and talk loudly and excitedly and put a large smile in your face like you normally would if you are feeling great and have some exciting news that you can't wait to tell a friend-- if you act like that, it would be difficult to stay depressed for long.
In fact, it takes more effort to stay depressed. You have to slouch and look downcast all the time, you have to speak in a depressing tone, and think about negative things and keep on feeling sorry for yourself, and not breath well, and look disinterested in everything that's going on…the list goes on. And you have to all these to "stay depressed." It takes so much effort that thinking about it makes me feel exhausted already. Fortunately I don’t have to do that anymore. :-)
It’s so much easier to feel good and think happy thoughts all the time. Remember Peter Pan?
Robbins has this exercise: Make a list of the positive emotional states that you regularly feel in a week, and then figure out what you did to get to that state. Mine were: ( hmmm. let me think for a minute, i forgot. ) Feeling happy, energetic, confident, sexy or desirable, and feeling loved. The things that lead to these were: talking and laughing with friends, sleeping and resting enough, maybe exercising, dressing up in nice clothes, and talking to someone who makes me feel loved or wanted. Hmmm. Does that make sense?
The negative states I used to feel were feeling rejected, unloved, undesirable, unhappy and low in energy. The things I did that lead me to these negative feelings were: not sleeping enough, and talking with my ex. I always end up feeling dejected every time we talk coz she always make me feel unloved and unwanted, but i do it anyway. I know, it doesn’t make sense!
That is past now. Nowadays I just do the things that make me feel positive, and avoid the opposite. Makes more sense.
( Sometimes I still stay up late and not get enough sleep, but hey, gimme a break.)
There was a time when I felt depressed every time i don't get what I wanted. I realize I am not the same person now. The way I define success and failure have radically changed. For Robbins, if he learned something out of everything that he does, then he considers the activity a success. He will consider that he failed if he didn’t learn anything at all.
I think I agree with him on this one. Going through the screening process for new supervisors definitely taught me a lot. It learned new things about the workplace and also got to know myself better. Bruce Lee once said. "All knowledge, ultimately, is self-knowledge" or something like that. We all learn from our own experience.
Two weekends ago I was in Quezon City to meet a girl that I have known for a few years now. She's always been there for me whenever I felt down, and she always made me feel loved. She has since decided to cut off our communication and "end this pseudo-relationship" since I am someone who is "stuck in the past" and "who can't love." ( her exact words) I should be feeling devastated now, but I'm not. I have been through that part of my life. I will not hurt anymore. And what can I do if I am not ready to love again? Do I really want to be in a relationship right now? I don't know.
Am I confused? I don't know what I really want right now. Maybe that's not so bad. " No want, no mind.". FB status, 02/17/2011
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Faith, Knowledge, and Love
(This began as a question: what’s the most important thing in life? to which my brother answered- in jest I hope- wealth. I began with “Faith, Knowledge, & Love. Then next are Health, Happiness and Wealth.” I intended to explain each virtue and why I think they’re important, but I got stuck in Love. Don’t I always?)
Knowledge is useless without faith. Knowing what is right doesn’t do any good unless you have the motivation to do it. The right knowledge: knowing the reason for our existence and having absolute certainty of it, and believing beyond what our eyes can see, that is the kind of faith that goes beyond following blindly.
For most people, the presence of Love is essential for one’s happiness. The absence of a partner or espouse doesn’t mean love will be absent also. There’s the love of parents, of brother’s and sisters, of family. Their love is steadier than your friend’s and that of the girl you like or that boy you hope for. And beyond this, and before this: is the Love of God. We should not forget that God created the world and everything in it. That includes everything and everyone in it. Whoever loved one you have now, be grateful to God for it. And remember that your heart is still beating at this very moment only because of God’s grace, the only reason that I am able to write this, and that you are able to read this.
It has been said that Love is that state when the happiness of the beloved is essential to one’s own. When you are in love, nothing breaks your heart more than the thought that the person is displeased with you and doesn’t want to be with you. Or to put it simply, doesn’t love you anymore. Seen in this light, then the Love of God is the same as Fear of God. Those with enough faith refrain from forbidden things because they fear God’s punishment, but those with great faith and love God shun those things because they cannot bear the thought that God will be displeased with them and choose not to be with them on the Day of Judgment.
When you truly love someone, you want to be with that someone. When you are apart, you wish you can be together again soon. And those who love God look forward to being with God forever.
“We all belong to God, and to God we all shall return.”
Life in this world is temporary, like working abroad, and we will all go home eventually. The question is: what state will we be in when we return to God? Will it be like that of a prisoner being lead to an execution, or that of a loved one returning home after being away for a lifetime?
Knowledge is useless without faith. Knowing what is right doesn’t do any good unless you have the motivation to do it. The right knowledge: knowing the reason for our existence and having absolute certainty of it, and believing beyond what our eyes can see, that is the kind of faith that goes beyond following blindly.
For most people, the presence of Love is essential for one’s happiness. The absence of a partner or espouse doesn’t mean love will be absent also. There’s the love of parents, of brother’s and sisters, of family. Their love is steadier than your friend’s and that of the girl you like or that boy you hope for. And beyond this, and before this: is the Love of God. We should not forget that God created the world and everything in it. That includes everything and everyone in it. Whoever loved one you have now, be grateful to God for it. And remember that your heart is still beating at this very moment only because of God’s grace, the only reason that I am able to write this, and that you are able to read this.
It has been said that Love is that state when the happiness of the beloved is essential to one’s own. When you are in love, nothing breaks your heart more than the thought that the person is displeased with you and doesn’t want to be with you. Or to put it simply, doesn’t love you anymore. Seen in this light, then the Love of God is the same as Fear of God. Those with enough faith refrain from forbidden things because they fear God’s punishment, but those with great faith and love God shun those things because they cannot bear the thought that God will be displeased with them and choose not to be with them on the Day of Judgment.
When you truly love someone, you want to be with that someone. When you are apart, you wish you can be together again soon. And those who love God look forward to being with God forever.
“We all belong to God, and to God we all shall return.”
Life in this world is temporary, like working abroad, and we will all go home eventually. The question is: what state will we be in when we return to God? Will it be like that of a prisoner being lead to an execution, or that of a loved one returning home after being away for a lifetime?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Fragile
I saw a man get hit by a car yesterday after work. I actually "heard" more than I saw, although I was looking at the general direction of the accident not far away from me. It was 3am in the morning and the street was dark. I heard a loud thud, saw a yellow car slow down to a halt, then heard a man yelling.
"That guy is dead," said a motorcycle driver although he didn't approach the victim. I came closer and saw the a Korean man on his knees while clutching at the driver who got off his car. He was wailing like a child. I think he was drunk. Laying on the ground was another Korean, an elderly man, he barely moved at all. There's a tiny pool of blood around his head on the ground. The people around didn't do anything at all, just looked on. Except a woman trying to make a call on his celphone. She's trying to call an ambulance, I thought.
I didnt stay to observe. I felt bad that the people didn't do anything at all. I know you're not supposed to move an accident victim unless you're trained for it. I just thought if that was in Cotabato people would have carried the guy to the hospital on a car or a passing jeepney. Back home, if you waited for an ambulance you would probably die right there. No ambulance will come for you.
Part of me wanted to stay and see what happens next, but I didn't want to watch a man die. There's something sickening with the thought that a someone can be a living, breathing person one minute - someone who feels and thinks and you can communicate with- can be just a lifeless body the next minute.
COme to think of it, I have never seen anyone die...I wonder how doctors and nurses deal with it? Must be a numbing experience.
I saw a man get hit by a car yesterday after work. I actually "heard" more than I saw, although I was looking at the general direction of the accident not far away from me. It was 3am in the morning and the street was dark. I heard a loud thud, saw a yellow car slow down to a halt, then heard a man yelling.
"That guy is dead," said a motorcycle driver although he didn't approach the victim. I came closer and saw the a Korean man on his knees while clutching at the driver who got off his car. He was wailing like a child. I think he was drunk. Laying on the ground was another Korean, an elderly man, he barely moved at all. There's a tiny pool of blood around his head on the ground. The people around didn't do anything at all, just looked on. Except a woman trying to make a call on his celphone. She's trying to call an ambulance, I thought.
I didnt stay to observe. I felt bad that the people didn't do anything at all. I know you're not supposed to move an accident victim unless you're trained for it. I just thought if that was in Cotabato people would have carried the guy to the hospital on a car or a passing jeepney. Back home, if you waited for an ambulance you would probably die right there. No ambulance will come for you.
Part of me wanted to stay and see what happens next, but I didn't want to watch a man die. There's something sickening with the thought that a someone can be a living, breathing person one minute - someone who feels and thinks and you can communicate with- can be just a lifeless body the next minute.
COme to think of it, I have never seen anyone die...I wonder how doctors and nurses deal with it? Must be a numbing experience.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
If Only
Clicked "older posts" on my FB wall over and over again. There were some inspired musings I wanted to revisit and I wanted to see how far back I can go before I encountered a technical problem. I was actually able to see my posts from a year ago. I am amazed at how much I wasted my time on useless pasttimes. My wall was littered with mafia wars postings. Then I deleted the posts and other unimportant comments.
I wished I could just as easily go back in time about a year ago and change the things I did. I see things differently now and I regret my foolishness. I imagined my life would have been very different right now and that I would be a happier person. That is impossible, of course, and the notion goes against my fundamental religious beliefs. Whatever happened was God’s will and can never happen any other way.
There is a lesson in this, though. A lesson worth repeating again and again: Don’t do things that you might need to undo later on. And as Miyamoto Mushashi said: Don’t spend your time on useless things.
I wished I could just as easily go back in time about a year ago and change the things I did. I see things differently now and I regret my foolishness. I imagined my life would have been very different right now and that I would be a happier person. That is impossible, of course, and the notion goes against my fundamental religious beliefs. Whatever happened was God’s will and can never happen any other way.
There is a lesson in this, though. A lesson worth repeating again and again: Don’t do things that you might need to undo later on. And as Miyamoto Mushashi said: Don’t spend your time on useless things.
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Single Step Towards Goodness
“When in Rome do what the Romans do,” my friends Mike and Omar used to say, over bottles of beer, those times when they were still with the company. I didn’t agree with that saying, coz I don't think being away from home or in a strange place is a reason for someone to forget his beliefs and shun his cultural identity, and my usual retort to them would be: “You can take the boy out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of the boy,” and my friends would quickly crack a joke about me being a “jungle boy” or Tarzan and the like. We would laugh and leave the discussion at that.
I have to agree though, that our environment and the company we keep affect our actions. As I heard someone put it eloquently, “You can't jump into the ocean and expect not to get wet.” And last time I was home I asked someone close to me if she thought I would be able to completely quit my vices and live my life according to our religion. She said, “here, maybe- in Cebu, I don’t think so.”
That reminded me of a story I heard so many times I don’t even remember when I first heard it. There was a man who killed so many men and wanted to change his ways and live a life of virtue. I think he killed 99 men or maybe a hundred, but I am no longer sure, the story is a blur to me now. I do know that he approached a holy man or a preacher and asked if he can still change his ways and how to do so. The preacher told him he is a hopeless case and that he will never be able to mend his ways. In his anger or frustration he killed the preacher and that became his 100th victim or so.
He was still determined to repent so he approached another preacher. This time the wise man told him there is still hope for him, but he needs to leave that place and travel to a place faraway, possibly another city where people lived a different way of life, and nobody knows him. It would be easier to start a new life, different from the life that he would leave behind. (This part of the story reminds me of Battousai the slasher and how his reputation as a killer tends to catch up with him and he is forced to fight or kill again)
The man did follow the preacher and he set out to travel to that faraway place. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to reach the city. Halfway on his journey the man died and soon the angels who took souls to heaven and the angels who delivered souls to hell met at the spot where the man died. Some of the angels argued that the man died with repentance in his heart and he should go to heaven, while some argued that he wasn’t able to complete the journey and live a good life as opposed to living many years of sin, so he should go to hell. They settled the argument by counting the steps the man took to travel, and it was found out that he was one step closer to the city he was going to, than the city he left behind. By virtue of a single step the man’s soul was saved and he was taken to heaven.
This story puzzled me for a while. The story is very familiar to me but I never took time to ponder on it, until recently. Religion teaches us that a man’s action is judged according to his intentions. Therefore a small act of kindness if done with sincerity is so much better than a great act, if there is no sincerity or if done for the wrong reasons. With this is mind I thought if the man died with a sincere intention to repent, then he would have been forgiven and gone to heaven, and the whole act of counting his steps is moot and academic. What then, is the lesson in this story?
Then again, who can say who should God forgive? Nobody can question Him. God is all-knowing while man’s understanding is very limited. I can’t rely on my own abilities to understand. Maybe I should not delve so much deeper into the story when the lesson is clear in the open: A single step taken towards goodness should not be disregarded because who knows; in the end a single step can make the difference.
Maybe that story is a story of hope. We shouldn’t judge anybody as hopeless because that person may change before he dies. Definitely puts a new meaning to the saying “Hanggat may buhay may pag-asa” and “Ang masamang damo matagal mamatay.” Maybe God lets some people live long lives so that they will have more chances of repenting.
The story also shows that we can’t just rely on intention, we should make good our intention to change and act on it, like that man leaving behind his old life and strive towards living the rest of his life in the way of God. The man didn’t reach that city, but he did spend the rest of his life going towards the city, didn’t he?
Maybe that’s the important thing, making that decision in our hearts and then actually working on it for the rest of our lives. Otherwise we would only be fooling ourselves if we make that intention everyday but not act on it. We can go to bed everyday repeating that intention until death overtakes us and we don’t wake up anymore.
I am feeling hopeful. If a person who killed a hundred men can change, why not someone like me? I think "masamang damo" would be too harsh to describe me, and I hope I don't die soon. HOpefully not before I make the change and undertake my own journey. And may God have mercy on me.
I have to agree though, that our environment and the company we keep affect our actions. As I heard someone put it eloquently, “You can't jump into the ocean and expect not to get wet.” And last time I was home I asked someone close to me if she thought I would be able to completely quit my vices and live my life according to our religion. She said, “here, maybe- in Cebu, I don’t think so.”
That reminded me of a story I heard so many times I don’t even remember when I first heard it. There was a man who killed so many men and wanted to change his ways and live a life of virtue. I think he killed 99 men or maybe a hundred, but I am no longer sure, the story is a blur to me now. I do know that he approached a holy man or a preacher and asked if he can still change his ways and how to do so. The preacher told him he is a hopeless case and that he will never be able to mend his ways. In his anger or frustration he killed the preacher and that became his 100th victim or so.
He was still determined to repent so he approached another preacher. This time the wise man told him there is still hope for him, but he needs to leave that place and travel to a place faraway, possibly another city where people lived a different way of life, and nobody knows him. It would be easier to start a new life, different from the life that he would leave behind. (This part of the story reminds me of Battousai the slasher and how his reputation as a killer tends to catch up with him and he is forced to fight or kill again)
The man did follow the preacher and he set out to travel to that faraway place. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to reach the city. Halfway on his journey the man died and soon the angels who took souls to heaven and the angels who delivered souls to hell met at the spot where the man died. Some of the angels argued that the man died with repentance in his heart and he should go to heaven, while some argued that he wasn’t able to complete the journey and live a good life as opposed to living many years of sin, so he should go to hell. They settled the argument by counting the steps the man took to travel, and it was found out that he was one step closer to the city he was going to, than the city he left behind. By virtue of a single step the man’s soul was saved and he was taken to heaven.
This story puzzled me for a while. The story is very familiar to me but I never took time to ponder on it, until recently. Religion teaches us that a man’s action is judged according to his intentions. Therefore a small act of kindness if done with sincerity is so much better than a great act, if there is no sincerity or if done for the wrong reasons. With this is mind I thought if the man died with a sincere intention to repent, then he would have been forgiven and gone to heaven, and the whole act of counting his steps is moot and academic. What then, is the lesson in this story?
Then again, who can say who should God forgive? Nobody can question Him. God is all-knowing while man’s understanding is very limited. I can’t rely on my own abilities to understand. Maybe I should not delve so much deeper into the story when the lesson is clear in the open: A single step taken towards goodness should not be disregarded because who knows; in the end a single step can make the difference.
Maybe that story is a story of hope. We shouldn’t judge anybody as hopeless because that person may change before he dies. Definitely puts a new meaning to the saying “Hanggat may buhay may pag-asa” and “Ang masamang damo matagal mamatay.” Maybe God lets some people live long lives so that they will have more chances of repenting.
The story also shows that we can’t just rely on intention, we should make good our intention to change and act on it, like that man leaving behind his old life and strive towards living the rest of his life in the way of God. The man didn’t reach that city, but he did spend the rest of his life going towards the city, didn’t he?
Maybe that’s the important thing, making that decision in our hearts and then actually working on it for the rest of our lives. Otherwise we would only be fooling ourselves if we make that intention everyday but not act on it. We can go to bed everyday repeating that intention until death overtakes us and we don’t wake up anymore.
I am feeling hopeful. If a person who killed a hundred men can change, why not someone like me? I think "masamang damo" would be too harsh to describe me, and I hope I don't die soon. HOpefully not before I make the change and undertake my own journey. And may God have mercy on me.
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